twenty something

Sober October has come to an end tonight with a shot of patron chased with grapefruit juice. I toasted to the things that i have learned through my experience. It really was easy to be honest there were times when my self control was tested but it was easy. I just didn’t want to taste disappointment in myself. The past few days I have felt very clear like I haven’t in a long time. It was quite enjoyable to know that my body was cleansed from the alcohol. Now as I have had a few sips of patron i’m feelin right in the zone and I remember why I liked to drink so much. The release of inhibitions when you’re drinking is incomparable to anything else I have experienced this month. I mean I have a little bit of confidence enough to dance in the club by myself under no influence except for the beat. Ordering waters from the bartender has never been more fun to be honest. Just tearing up the dance floor, that no one is on, then walking straight to the bar “yo let me get a water”. This feeling of elation may seem novel and nothing special but I like the shit so fuck you.
But honestly it felt good not drinking too and being able to say no. It feels as people in my current generation which i classify as the 20-30 year olds are big partiers. It seems to be an integral part of life. Drinking is the cool thing to do. There has been many times when I have felt obligated to drink more than I actually wanted to. So against my better judgement I used to get blacked the fuck out drunk when I wasn’t even planning on having a sip of the juice. I don’t regret it. That shit was probably the funnest times i’ve ever had. But why is there this obligation for us to drink our faces off and do drugs and stay up until the sun comes up. Why is it necessary to have beer for breakfast and subsequently remain inebriated for an entire day. I stress to you readers how I remain entirely unhypocritical by saying this because I thoroughly enjoy all of these things. I am merely posing the question. What is this infatuation with partying and going out? Has it always been this way? I was pretty happy this month when I wasn’t drinking. I read like four fuckin books and I hit the gym like everyday. I mean it was cool but I felt like it was all just an ends to the mean of getting drunk as shit. But I noticed a lot during my sobriety, I had a lot of meaningful conversations and made a lot of memories that are forever memorable. I spent money on a concert and was able to remember it and I am willing to admit that it was exceptionally mediocre but that is another conversation. I grew mentally and improved physically and have reaped the benefits so far. But now I am on vacation and that calls for a couple drinks bruh.

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in da club

10/19/14
Nineteen days sober. My one vice during this sober period has been weed, so my soberness has really been augmented by smoking bowls and eating too much. Perhaps the last ten days of the month I will phase out the weed as well. Then I can truly use the word sober. Last night was a test of my self control and a lesson in futility trying to stay leveled with my inebriated brother. The club was a much different experience this way. I was watching people around the whole club because hey I wasn’t drinking. I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t belong even though I knew half of the people there. It just felt pointless to be out there in the back of some club. I was starting to get the feeling that it was pointless to be in the club when I was drunk too. I still kind of feel that way. The pros and cons to the situation seem to teeter on a small point with a variety of variables. I enjoy going out and drinking with my friends. It is fun to throw inhibitions to the wind and got lost in a night. Ride the wave into the morning. It is a release to stresses and a means of conversation and creates some sort of purpose within us. I still believe in that philosophy of partying but if twenty days sober has taught me anything it definitely has added a perspective to partying and drinking in the club. It is a waste of time really. I was satisfied hanging out with my brother for a few hours going to different bars and conversing about women and sports. Joking rather crudely because we are men reunited and thats what men do. I was even satisfied with dancing to a couple songs in the club, even though the drink in my hand was water and ice. As I began to lose steam around eleven o’clock, my brother was just getting started. He began binge drinking, somehow, he had told me he had no money. The inquisitive mind of a partier is always able to find more alcohol under adverse situations. He flourished in his roll, knocking back drinks while I lingered on the sideline, watching and talking with old friends. “LET’S GO.” I hear yelled and then reinforced by multiple males. At a certain point you are just wasting money on drinks and having meaningless conversations that you won’t remember. With a chance of you making a decision that you will regret the next day. Drunk in the club seems like a nowhere road most of the time. Unless your desired destination is gorging yourself with a burrito and falling asleep in all your clothes with the light on. Thats on a good night too. There is a wide spectrum of possibilities that can occur in these situations. The ability to control your behavior is something you take for granted when you are drunk. But the club, a perfect synergy of drunk people where all this eccentric behavior is acceptable because everyone is in an obliterated state. I have nothing against this because I have had some of my funnest nights in the club. The club builds camaraderie between men and women alike and dependent on the outcome of the night can help in building trust in one another. Comparatively there are benefits in avoiding the club entirely. Maybe this advice only benefits binge drinkers who have woken up naked not knowing where they are. Or maybe it can benefit anyone. The club is fun and will always be there. I will most likely end up drunk in the club again soon. At least now I will approach the night with awareness of the drunken journey I am about to embark on. Resting your head on your pillow is a long way away from throwing up in an alley.

“bad bitches only”

The chef in this place has a hat turned backwards which reads “bad bitches only” even though I agree with his hat it seems inappropriate for the current circumstance which is a hipster coffee shop. You know the ones I’m talking about. Overpriced lattes and slices of pie. Wooden chairs and a quaint demeanor probably playing Lana Del Rey “Summertime Sadness”. Filled to the brim with girls on there phones and guys sitting with laptops and headphones tucked under their beanies trying to figure out something cool to do on their computer. Please find humor in the fact that I just described myself perfectly but back to the hat. I would say only about 17% of the people in this place know exactly what a bad bitch is. The fact that anyone is present here in this coffee automatically disqualifies them from bad bitch standing. Which is entirely contradictory to his hat. I mean i’m pretty sure this fucking place is called pie. I haven’t seen one person buy a slice of pie. I think it would be better if this place was called wifi because thats the only reason anyone comes here. In regards to the “bad bitches only” hat, I think it would be funnier if it said “basic bitches only” because no one ever says that. I also feel like it would be more appropriate in this current situation. I am willing to associate my name with basic bitches for the sake of bringing you this story. I think you should appreciate the sacrifice. Next time you are in one if these coffee shops (if you ever are) look around and count how many bad bitches there are. I bet you the ratio of bad to basic bitches would astound you. I mean the guy woke up this morning heading to his job at Pie to make pies and made a decision to put on a hat that said “bad bitches only”. He has got to be overcompensating for something. Maybe he himself lacks the multitude of bad bitches that his hat seems to claim. Maybe he had a bad bitch but she moved on to greener pastures and now he is wearing the hat because he still hasn’t moved on. Maybe he is worried about his own basicness so he wears the hat to make people think he only associates with bad bitches. I feel you brother but you must accept your basicness if it is inside you. If you like to watch Dexter all night and drive a Vespa to work that’s who you are and you should be proud. I accept you. Take off the hat. At least now whenever I eat a piece of pie I will think about the man in the bad bitch hat and I will remember to always accept myself for who I am and not let anyone tell me who I am. I am a bad bitch

10/14/14

I teeter on the edge of being a no nonsense realist and letting my imagination overflow up to my eyeballs a happy medium should be established to give validity to your words. Your work is an extension of you. Ernest Hemingway said that you should write what you know about or your writing will lack conviction. Hemingway experienced war, death, drinking and women. It gave him a unique perspective and an aggressive stance.

What do I know?

Even though I am familiar with the latter two it is under different circumstances. So apparently I need to get in where I fit in just like everyone else on earth looking for a purpose in life. I know sports well. I always enjoyed playing more than sitting on the sideline and writing about it. I know about credit and money even though that seems contradictory to lessons I like to perpetuate that talk about giving up material possessions. Is it funny that I feel very strongly that humans do not need material items and money to live full, meaningful lives, yet my whole career is based off of the opposite of the moral? I work at a bank which most people argue is one of the most corrupt and materialistic institutions in the entirety of our society. My job is all about money. I wish I could say I am not all about my money but I am. Is it my fault I was born in a time frame when so much emphasis is placed on your financial status? Am I contributing to a society that I do not agree with? It is comforting that I am able to take a step back from my life and look at it from a different perspective. Sure my job lacks room for creativity, But would I be writing this today had I not been working at that job? Sure my job revolves around the idea that money rules all, but working that job has taught me that money doesn’t control me. Sure my job is stressful and is focused on things that I don’t necessarily agree with. But as I see it that is the way our world is currently, and it is necessary for me to make a living. It is necessary for me to provide for myself and my family. It is necessary for me to be comfortable in order for me not to go crazy. It is necessary for me to make my father proud. Men and Women have to make sacrifices in life. A single teenage mother must sacrifice her free time for the benefit of her child. A father with a wife and a bundle of kids must sacrifice his last dollar to feed his family. I would sacrifice my life for the safety of my family. I do what I need to do and I don’t see anything wrong with that. I have heard life is all about perspective. You can choose see the negative or focus on the positive. As long as you’re breathing there is no reason to focus on the negative aspects of your life. Don’t give me that shit about how “oh there wouldn’t be happiness unless you were sad at some point.” Even though that is true do you think it is better to focus on things that make you happy or things that make you sad? You tell me.

Life is a roller coaster there will be low points. Positivity breeds positivity
-Nico

one

I want to believe in unity but all i see is egos and broken dreams. People stepping and climbing over each other to make it to the top. Capitalism isn’t ideal for uniting people, it seems to do the opposite. Our societal structure places an emphasis on self. How much money do you make? What kind of car do you drive? What tax bracket do you fall into? Even though we maybe working in teams (co-workers), everyone still thinks of themselves in comparison to others. Humans are pitted against each other like chickens in a cock fight. Nobody wins in those situations. Dr. Martin Luther King said “I am not what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you are not what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.” Humans share the feature of inter connectivity with each other and all other living things. Some people can feel it and some people can’t. Sometimes the connection is strong and sometimes it is weak. Sometimes it is skewed by society. Other times it is there and you don’t even know it. One can feel others. A person could be in another room in a house, you could not see or hear them or even know that they are there, but you can feel their presence. An empty house brings an eerie feeling, people have been there but are now gone, their energy is still present within the walls. How do you explain deja vu? How do you explain when you think or dream about someone randomly that you haven’t seen in a long time, then miraculously they appear in front of you that same day? We are bonded by our existence on earth. We all came from the same place. We are one. The bond we share is up to interpretation. Each individual has their own perception of it. As long as one acknowledges that it is there then you can feel it. Speaking to this unseen bond between all of us will help you live each day with more compassion and love towards others, which is something that can only benefit us. Pay attention to the synchronicity of things and you will see it.

-Nico