Self perception

All the physical things and the way I act in front of other people is almost entirely for them.  I do seek affirmation and self-gratification in things but it isn’t my top priority.  I could never see myself how others see me and although I agree with a lot of the words that people use to describe me; I would almost feel narcissistic using them myself.  Even as I type this I feel like I’m lying but I truly wish I could remain oblivious in perceiving myself sometimes.  Vanity is something that I would like to be devoid of.  Unfortunately it seems like an impossible undertaking.  I think individuality is found in moments of purity when you don’t care about others perceptions or even your own perceptions.  In moments when you are remaining true to your core values.  In thinking about how I perceive myself I have two main views.  One of which is that I am not doing enough.  What I mean by that is that I look at what I am doing in terms of work, school, and personal health and I always think about how I could be doing better.  The times of negativity for me are when I know I should be doing something but instead I am off drinking or partying.  These are times when I judge myself the most.    The second way I perceive myself is actually through my own self awareness of these interconnecting perceptions of me.  How I view myself vs. how my family views me vs. how my friends view me.  It all seems to be this eternal, malleable, interconnecting relationship that is always changing.  Depending on who you meet and that kind of person you want to be.  I think I can honestly say that I don’t know who I am yet.  I have an idea of the person I want to be.  I am mostly aware of these ideas that I perpetuate about myself.  I guess I want people to see in me what I see deep down in myself.  It seems to be a never ending cycle of self gratification.  Circles can be brutal.  I just hope one day I can find myself.


 

This may be reaching but I liked the last part about the circle and as I was reviewing the post I noticed it was 365 words.

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Snake Pit

 

Lying on that couch with my leg elevated in a cast, my mind had felt like a dull knife.

Friday afternoon and my ankle had just started working again.  Business professionals were just beginning to vacate their desks; people who define themselves on the hours between Friday afternoon and Monday morning.  I sauntered to the closest bar I could find.

My beer began to sweat as soon as it hit the table, I drank it quickly.  The man at the table next to me was drinking a whiskey on the rocks.  He was playing with his daughter; she was drinking an orange juice.  Two big open windows let fading sunlight into the dive bar.  The smell of beer and spicy mustard was circulated by the cool summer air.  3rd grade level paintings of snakes looked like they were tossed up on the wall.  Two bartenders alternated between disdain and cordiality under a sign that read “Snake Pit”.  I slithered through another beer.  Derek walked in and asked “Where is your whiskey?”  Before I had a chance to decline he walked over to the table with two glasses of Jameson and his own perspiring beer.

The darkness that overtook the elongating shadows of the snake pit crept inside my head.  I said goodbye to Derek.  I stomped back home.  I sat on my couch.  Through the clustered black holes of my front gate I could hear the rats that infested the bamboo shoots in my neighbors yard.  I listened to them as they climbed and made the leaves rub against each other.  My mind tumbled in a wave of breaking anticipation.  I undulated between contentment and grief.


 

For some context this story is about an injury that I sustained recently.  It forced me to go on leave from work for a few weeks.  It left me with a decision when to go back.  I also had a prompt for my writing class that was to write a story about a character going somewhere and coming back.