All the physical things and the way I act in front of other people is almost entirely for them. I do seek affirmation and self-gratification in things but it isn’t my top priority. I could never see myself how others see me and although I agree with a lot of the words that people use to describe me; I would almost feel narcissistic using them myself. Even as I type this I feel like I’m lying but I truly wish I could remain oblivious in perceiving myself sometimes. Vanity is something that I would like to be devoid of. Unfortunately it seems like an impossible undertaking. I think individuality is found in moments of purity when you don’t care about others perceptions or even your own perceptions. In moments when you are remaining true to your core values. In thinking about how I perceive myself I have two main views. One of which is that I am not doing enough. What I mean by that is that I look at what I am doing in terms of work, school, and personal health and I always think about how I could be doing better. The times of negativity for me are when I know I should be doing something but instead I am off drinking or partying. These are times when I judge myself the most. The second way I perceive myself is actually through my own self awareness of these interconnecting perceptions of me. How I view myself vs. how my family views me vs. how my friends view me. It all seems to be this eternal, malleable, interconnecting relationship that is always changing. Depending on who you meet and that kind of person you want to be. I think I can honestly say that I don’t know who I am yet. I have an idea of the person I want to be. I am mostly aware of these ideas that I perpetuate about myself. I guess I want people to see in me what I see deep down in myself. It seems to be a never ending cycle of self gratification. Circles can be brutal. I just hope one day I can find myself.
This may be reaching but I liked the last part about the circle and as I was reviewing the post I noticed it was 365 words.