right or wrong or good or bad

The subject matter of pictures that hang in museums is always random.

It’s not the predictability of life that makes it beautiful.

It’s more about the things that don’t make sense.

Thing’s that you can’t articulate.

It’s the moments when your brain tries to find an explanation for something that is incomprehensible.

That’s art.

The lines of motion and the dissonance between reality and representation.

Advertisements

but it’s not

A girl that I fucked told me that I have a lot of moles and I should get them checked out.  It’s true, I have a few moles but I never thought about skin cancer and I have never had a skin exam.  So, I set an appointment to see a dermatologist, one who was accepting new patients and one who was covered under my insurance.

Naked under a gown, in a coldly lit room,I realized I made a mistake.  It took two minutes and $135 for the pretty middle aged doctor to tell me:

 

“you have a very high co-pay but everything is fine.”

It felt kind of like a strip club in that I was ashamed of how much money I spent when I was walking out.  $135 dollars! Fuck that’s a lot of money for two minutes, and for what? Peace of mind?  I wasn’t even thinking about skin cancer until last week.  $135 dollars?!  I could have taken that girl out to a nice dinner and probably fucked her again.  $135 dollars?!  That’s a new pair of shoes!  Oh well,  I guess I’m healthy, all my bills are paid.  I would’ve spent the money frivolously on something, anything.  What made me more upset was that the dermatologist’s office is on the top floor and when I left the elevator stopped at every floor on the way down to let someone on.  I guess we are all going down anyway.

things you hear sitting at a restaurant

‘I was constantly feeling drowsy in the daytime and I had to keep taking cat naps just to survive.  Ultimately I ended up going to the doctor and she prescribed me two crepes.  One sweet crepe was supposed to cure my drowsiness and help me focus.  That one cost me $30 out of pocket.  The second crepe was savory and covered under my insurance.  It was more to counteract the side effects of the first crepe.  The savory crepe was mainly so I could fall asleep at night.  The doctor told me to put it on my foot and definitely not to put it in my mouth.  Don’t tell my doctor this but every now and then I take a little cube of ham out of my savory crepe and eat it before applying it to my foot.’

anxiety

The train wasn’t at the platform at 7:57 AM like it should have been but I heard it lurking around the corner, lurching it’s head forward, looking for me.  I tapped my left foot, contained in a brown Italian leather shoe from Ermenegildo Zegna.  I clutched at my black Tumi attache which held a book written by Franz Kafka.  Today, I felt exceptionally handsome in a navy blue Valentino wool-blend suit with a two button closure and center vent.  The bottom part of the sleeve on my Giorgio Armani shirt was held together by Tiffany cuff links.  The only thing that bothered me was my haircut which was rather expensive considering the fact that I had to keep checking it every time I caught my own reflection in a passing window.  The cordless Apple headphones in my ears weren’t playing any music.  I stepped from the platform onto the train at 8:03 AM-six minutes late.

I sat down and reached into the Tumi attache for my book.  I thought about the dry cleaning I had to pick up later.  I thought about if I should work out chest or back at the gym that night.  I thought about my receptionist’s ass.  I thought about French existentialism and how French writers always have to bitch about how they aren’t feeling good.  I thought about my girlfriend’s parents.  I thought about if writing could ever stand on it’s own or if it was only good if it was tied to some socio-historical context.  I thought about homework I have to do later.  I thought about how I want a better job.  I thought about the new Adidas that just came out and how I would go about getting a pair.  I thought about how I should take myself more seriously.  I compared myself to others.  I opened my book.

The train stopped abruptly and the lights began to flash.  The train was empty.  I couldn’t remember if their were people in it when I got on.  I looked up and saw a big juicy rat sitting on the bench across from me.  It just sat there, aloof, kind of staring at me.  The lights flashed and the train began to creep forward again.  The Latino man standing next to me dropped his grocery bag-an apple rolled out of it and hit a woman’s foot.  She looked down and picked it up as if she wanted to take a bite.  I looked down at my book and saw the words:

‘Give it up! Give it up!’