twenty something

Sober October has come to an end tonight with a shot of patron chased with grapefruit juice. I toasted to the things that i have learned through my experience. It really was easy to be honest there were times when my self control was tested but it was easy. I just didn’t want to taste disappointment in myself. The past few days I have felt very clear like I haven’t in a long time. It was quite enjoyable to know that my body was cleansed from the alcohol. Now as I have had a few sips of patron i’m feelin right in the zone and I remember why I liked to drink so much. The release of inhibitions when you’re drinking is incomparable to anything else I have experienced this month. I mean I have a little bit of confidence enough to dance in the club by myself under no influence except for the beat. Ordering waters from the bartender has never been more fun to be honest. Just tearing up the dance floor, that no one is on, then walking straight to the bar “yo let me get a water”. This feeling of elation may seem novel and nothing special but I like the shit so fuck you.
But honestly it felt good not drinking too and being able to say no. It feels as people in my current generation which i classify as the 20-30 year olds are big partiers. It seems to be an integral part of life. Drinking is the cool thing to do. There has been many times when I have felt obligated to drink more than I actually wanted to. So against my better judgement I used to get blacked the fuck out drunk when I wasn’t even planning on having a sip of the juice. I don’t regret it. That shit was probably the funnest times i’ve ever had. But why is there this obligation for us to drink our faces off and do drugs and stay up until the sun comes up. Why is it necessary to have beer for breakfast and subsequently remain inebriated for an entire day. I stress to you readers how I remain entirely unhypocritical by saying this because I thoroughly enjoy all of these things. I am merely posing the question. What is this infatuation with partying and going out? Has it always been this way? I was pretty happy this month when I wasn’t drinking. I read like four fuckin books and I hit the gym like everyday. I mean it was cool but I felt like it was all just an ends to the mean of getting drunk as shit. But I noticed a lot during my sobriety, I had a lot of meaningful conversations and made a lot of memories that are forever memorable. I spent money on a concert and was able to remember it and I am willing to admit that it was exceptionally mediocre but that is another conversation. I grew mentally and improved physically and have reaped the benefits so far. But now I am on vacation and that calls for a couple drinks bruh.

in da club

10/19/14
Nineteen days sober. My one vice during this sober period has been weed, so my soberness has really been augmented by smoking bowls and eating too much. Perhaps the last ten days of the month I will phase out the weed as well. Then I can truly use the word sober. Last night was a test of my self control and a lesson in futility trying to stay leveled with my inebriated brother. The club was a much different experience this way. I was watching people around the whole club because hey I wasn’t drinking. I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t belong even though I knew half of the people there. It just felt pointless to be out there in the back of some club. I was starting to get the feeling that it was pointless to be in the club when I was drunk too. I still kind of feel that way. The pros and cons to the situation seem to teeter on a small point with a variety of variables. I enjoy going out and drinking with my friends. It is fun to throw inhibitions to the wind and got lost in a night. Ride the wave into the morning. It is a release to stresses and a means of conversation and creates some sort of purpose within us. I still believe in that philosophy of partying but if twenty days sober has taught me anything it definitely has added a perspective to partying and drinking in the club. It is a waste of time really. I was satisfied hanging out with my brother for a few hours going to different bars and conversing about women and sports. Joking rather crudely because we are men reunited and thats what men do. I was even satisfied with dancing to a couple songs in the club, even though the drink in my hand was water and ice. As I began to lose steam around eleven o’clock, my brother was just getting started. He began binge drinking, somehow, he had told me he had no money. The inquisitive mind of a partier is always able to find more alcohol under adverse situations. He flourished in his roll, knocking back drinks while I lingered on the sideline, watching and talking with old friends. “LET’S GO.” I hear yelled and then reinforced by multiple males. At a certain point you are just wasting money on drinks and having meaningless conversations that you won’t remember. With a chance of you making a decision that you will regret the next day. Drunk in the club seems like a nowhere road most of the time. Unless your desired destination is gorging yourself with a burrito and falling asleep in all your clothes with the light on. Thats on a good night too. There is a wide spectrum of possibilities that can occur in these situations. The ability to control your behavior is something you take for granted when you are drunk. But the club, a perfect synergy of drunk people where all this eccentric behavior is acceptable because everyone is in an obliterated state. I have nothing against this because I have had some of my funnest nights in the club. The club builds camaraderie between men and women alike and dependent on the outcome of the night can help in building trust in one another. Comparatively there are benefits in avoiding the club entirely. Maybe this advice only benefits binge drinkers who have woken up naked not knowing where they are. Or maybe it can benefit anyone. The club is fun and will always be there. I will most likely end up drunk in the club again soon. At least now I will approach the night with awareness of the drunken journey I am about to embark on. Resting your head on your pillow is a long way away from throwing up in an alley.

10/14/14

I teeter on the edge of being a no nonsense realist and letting my imagination overflow up to my eyeballs a happy medium should be established to give validity to your words. Your work is an extension of you. Ernest Hemingway said that you should write what you know about or your writing will lack conviction. Hemingway experienced war, death, drinking and women. It gave him a unique perspective and an aggressive stance.

What do I know?

Even though I am familiar with the latter two it is under different circumstances. So apparently I need to get in where I fit in just like everyone else on earth looking for a purpose in life. I know sports well. I always enjoyed playing more than sitting on the sideline and writing about it. I know about credit and money even though that seems contradictory to lessons I like to perpetuate that talk about giving up material possessions. Is it funny that I feel very strongly that humans do not need material items and money to live full, meaningful lives, yet my whole career is based off of the opposite of the moral? I work at a bank which most people argue is one of the most corrupt and materialistic institutions in the entirety of our society. My job is all about money. I wish I could say I am not all about my money but I am. Is it my fault I was born in a time frame when so much emphasis is placed on your financial status? Am I contributing to a society that I do not agree with? It is comforting that I am able to take a step back from my life and look at it from a different perspective. Sure my job lacks room for creativity, But would I be writing this today had I not been working at that job? Sure my job revolves around the idea that money rules all, but working that job has taught me that money doesn’t control me. Sure my job is stressful and is focused on things that I don’t necessarily agree with. But as I see it that is the way our world is currently, and it is necessary for me to make a living. It is necessary for me to provide for myself and my family. It is necessary for me to be comfortable in order for me not to go crazy. It is necessary for me to make my father proud. Men and Women have to make sacrifices in life. A single teenage mother must sacrifice her free time for the benefit of her child. A father with a wife and a bundle of kids must sacrifice his last dollar to feed his family. I would sacrifice my life for the safety of my family. I do what I need to do and I don’t see anything wrong with that. I have heard life is all about perspective. You can choose see the negative or focus on the positive. As long as you’re breathing there is no reason to focus on the negative aspects of your life. Don’t give me that shit about how “oh there wouldn’t be happiness unless you were sad at some point.” Even though that is true do you think it is better to focus on things that make you happy or things that make you sad? You tell me.

Life is a roller coaster there will be low points. Positivity breeds positivity
-Nico

one

I want to believe in unity but all i see is egos and broken dreams. People stepping and climbing over each other to make it to the top. Capitalism isn’t ideal for uniting people, it seems to do the opposite. Our societal structure places an emphasis on self. How much money do you make? What kind of car do you drive? What tax bracket do you fall into? Even though we maybe working in teams (co-workers), everyone still thinks of themselves in comparison to others. Humans are pitted against each other like chickens in a cock fight. Nobody wins in those situations. Dr. Martin Luther King said “I am not what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you are not what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.” Humans share the feature of inter connectivity with each other and all other living things. Some people can feel it and some people can’t. Sometimes the connection is strong and sometimes it is weak. Sometimes it is skewed by society. Other times it is there and you don’t even know it. One can feel others. A person could be in another room in a house, you could not see or hear them or even know that they are there, but you can feel their presence. An empty house brings an eerie feeling, people have been there but are now gone, their energy is still present within the walls. How do you explain deja vu? How do you explain when you think or dream about someone randomly that you haven’t seen in a long time, then miraculously they appear in front of you that same day? We are bonded by our existence on earth. We all came from the same place. We are one. The bond we share is up to interpretation. Each individual has their own perception of it. As long as one acknowledges that it is there then you can feel it. Speaking to this unseen bond between all of us will help you live each day with more compassion and love towards others, which is something that can only benefit us. Pay attention to the synchronicity of things and you will see it.

-Nico

don’t mind me

I had a strange experience last night. I spent the night at the gym before I ate dinner with my father and spent a couple hours reading and writing. Around 11 when I went to sleep my mind felt unbelievably clear. It had been a full day but it had not been stressful. I sweated, I studied and wrote. I did not consume any drugs or alcohol. So when I made the decision to go to bed early I felt it was a correct one considering I had been productive that day and had school the next morning. I fell asleep at eleven but then I woke up an hour later and my mind was racing. There was a variety of random thoughts going through my head, from out of no where they came. It felt like I had three minds thinking all at the same time. All racing to some sort of conclusion but stumbling over each other on the way to the finish line. Sleep was no longer an option even though my body was exhausted. Where had this jumbled up mess come from? It felt like I should have never slept in the first place because my mind still had all this rearranging to do. The book I was reading that night ‘The Valkyries’ bye Paulo Coelho. (Great author by the way, he writes ‘The Alchemist’ on of my favorite books). One of the lessons I had read about that night was the “second mind”. The second mind is whats going on in the back of your head. What you think about when you do not even proactively try to or maybe even you do not want to. It could be a song stuck in your head or a person that you’re in love with or a person you want to forget. It could be the thoughts of your responsibilities or an upcoming event the you are excited about. The book clarifies the fact that you have two minds functioning at the same time. You’ve all felt it. The thought you can’t get out of your head even though you try to forget. So why did my second mind decide to become intertwined with my proactive mind. All I wanted to think about was sleep but my second mind wouldn’t allow me. Only now I think of another lesson that was taught in the book which was to embrace your second mind and it will bring clarity to your thought. Even though I had just read the lesson all I could think about was “Fuck why cant I fall asleep”. I should have embraced. But I did not. And I ended up tossing and turning with no direction for my mind and no clarity in my thought.
The book says that the second mind is a barrier to a state of deeper thought. If you want contact with something ethereal and bigger then yourself than getting past the second mind is a necessity. The book speaks about God and a higher power when entering this deeper state of thought. But even if you do not have a God that you embrace, simple meditation can be beneficial to your way of life. “The second mind was there, barring the entrance, with its repetitive ideas, its unimportant problems, its melodies, its financial problems, its unresolved passions.” Everyone has their respective issues and stresses. When you embrace them and meditate over them your mind will become tired of them. It will be easier to let them go and realize that these are unimportant problems when it comes to the big picture of your life. What is there once you get past the more materialistic problems in life? Can you learn the language of your heart or look deeper into your soul then you originally thought? There is something to be said about the state in which you are in once you past this ‘second mind’ barrier. I do not know what it is yet. But, I learned a simple lesson last night and in retrospection this morning which is to embrace your second mind. It will make it easier for you to not let the stupid little problems bother you as much.
-Nico

First Post

My first post would be in a fucking starbucks on Melrose. I do not know where I found the motivation to walk here today and start this blog. I have been feeling reinvigorated with the amount of reading and writing I have been doing lately. There is something about writing that I am attracted to and is hard to ignore. Part of it is the ability to be able to create something that is my own. I can separate myself from millions of others on the planet by creating something that is completely original. Contradictory to my current situation of me sitting in a Starbucks with and iced coffee a laptop and headphones writing in a blog that is my own. It is a complete fantasy of mine for people to read my writing and feel something. This first post is me overcoming the self consciousness I have of people reading what I write. This blog will supplement the satisfaction I feel writing for myself, so that others might be able to enjoy my words. There are very few things I am passionate about. But at least I have a few things rather than no things. I loathe the idea of a human being who isn’t passionate about at least one thing in their existence. This new found love for the art of word and the power of books has given me something. I feel like whenever I turn a page or finish a sentence I know more about the world than I did before. I just saw a dude riding his Harley down the street, with his hands on his hips and his eyes turned to the sky. He looked completely free and happy with the LA sun in his face. I can only hope to one day attain this sort of joy with something i am passionate about. Now I could be completely wrong in his mood, his dog could have just died or some shit but I am going to take the positive away from it. Writing keeps me constantly motivated to get better. I only needed to read one line by Ernest Hemingway to know that I wanted to create images with my words “She was as soft as piano keys” he said. I lack the ability to immerse myself in my writing completely due to the fact that I have a job and other responsibilities. But it is a hobby that has found new life inside of me, and I hope whoever reads will enjoy it and take it for what it is.

Find your passion and it will find you

-Nico